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Conscious.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I never said anything about my real emotions on who i really am, or who i really want to be. It's strange, but i don't trust people that easily. Sure, i become friendly with them, but i don't tell them anything beyond that. I get intimidated easily. I don't like hanging out with overly smart people, instead, i feel more comfortable with those around my grades. I won't lie. I'm not a straight A student. I'm only a straight B student, but i'm comfortable with that. Because that's who i am. I'm good in studies, but i don't do well in exams. It's the way my life has become. It might be my nerves, but it's always been like this all this while. I'm also overly playful, i don't blame my age. I love joking around and that shows that i'm close to that person. However, i'm also conscious about the fact that people might find me annoying and if i do joke around too much, they get angry at me. I then feel guilty and immediately stop joking with that person, as if blocking a part of me that is trying to escape.

According to a few people, i'm an independent person. Truth is, i'm not. They don't know how much dependent i am on 2 or 3 close friends. Because without them, right now, i'd probably be living a soulless life. Once in a while, i break down crying. The emotions become so overwhelming that i don't stop myself from crying. People ask if i'm alright, i say 'i'm fine.' But i only say that when i'm not. In truth, i worry a lot so much that my emotions take over. I won't lie, i cry easily. I cry while watching dramas, i cry while reading books, i cried in class once (no teacher - just my close friends and i). I'm a weak person, but i want people to know that i'm strong and independent. I don't yell at people unless they get me really angry at them. If i get into quarrels, i don't go against the other. I just sit there quietly not doing anything. That is where people start taking advantage of me. I've been used as a 2nd friend many times before. And because i have no one else to go to, i follow them (stupidly). I want to be braver and stronger - but i can't.

But what i'm going to say isn't about that. I'm very conscious about how people think of me, so lying has become one of the normals of what i do. If somebody said he/she got an A in that certain subject, i'd upgrade myself saying i got an A too, but did i actually? I'm scared people will think i'm stupid and laugh at me. People say i'm good in studies, i'm not. I'm only an average student. People say i play the piano really good. I don't. I'm only an average player who can play at my own pace. They say i'm good in drawing, but i'm not. Compared to others out there, i'm only an amateur. There is, however, one more thing that people say about me. They say i'm pretty, thin and i should be a model. That's what this post is going to be about.

Once people say i'm pretty, i automatically smile. But i say "i'm not" because i'm scared that people will think i'm vain. I'm not vain. It's only what i think, because it's not true. I love taking pictures of myself (call it camwhoring if you will) and i photoshop out my imperfections and post it online. People say i look pretty and i smile. But it's fake. More over, the amount of pictures i have deleted is three times the amount i have kept.

When people say i should be a model, i secretly become happy. I want to be a model, which is why i take pictures of myself. I'm interested in fashion and i love dressing up in my kind of styles. However, i don't wear them out because i'm afraid i will be the odd one out. Instead, i go out in a blouse and jeans (sometimes shorts) with sport shoes. I don't want to look different in that crowd. I want to fit in. At home, without any of my family member's knowledge, i dress up in my own style and take pictures. Because i can never wear it out and pictures are there for a reason.

I won't say i'm fat. I know i'm thin. I genuinely have a good body size that i'm happy with (height, etc.) but i'm not healthy. I don't exercise. I'm a small eater, i know that, but that's the way my body is. I'm weak, and i don't like myself that way. However, i don't change. People say comments like "you're so thin and tall! you should be a model!" I don't disagree with them, but i know i'm not exactly model material. My body may be good, but my face doesn't scream out model material. If i tell anyone this, i know they'll think i'm vain.

Another thing that i don't really like is when people take pictures of me. I like it if i come out good, but the awkward atmosphere there is tenses me up and i shy away from the camera. I do want people to take pictures of me, but i think to myself 'what if people think i'm vain? what if i don't turn out good?' I don't like this side of me one bit and it may become annoying to friends. It makes me feel apologetic and regretful, but i can't change.

Maybe someday... my dreams will be fulfilled. Or not.

Not many people read my blog and the only ones who read are close friends of mine. I feel regretful for not trusting them in this.

So that's who i am.

*no photoshop (just good lighting)
-white long sleeve collar blouse from mum
-vest from brother

It doesn't matter if the clothes were meant for guys or not. As long as i'm interested in the style, i'm keen on making it seem as if it were for a girl.

For now, i'm only stuck on taking pictures of myself on my balcony. I hope someday that i can actually get a real photoshoot.

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